


The King And His Boy [Fic]

by Anonymous



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Animate Object, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bad Fic, Deliberate Badfic, M/M, No Smut, Sex on Furniture, Sparkles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 04:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2334689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was my usual Tuesday afternoon, being knelt on, showered with glitter dust and all sorts of fluids I'd rather not think about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The King And His Boy [Fic]

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The King And His Boy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2320520) by Anonymous. 



I've often wondered what it was exactly that I did that was so bad that I ended up as a thinking, talking piece of furniture in a madman's apartments. Gangrel knows I'm alive, of course-- I often complain about it-- but he uses me anyway and frequently ignores my suggestions on how to rule his country. I think I'd be better at it than he is, but to be fair that's a low bar to clear.

So it was my usual Tuesday afternoon, being knelt on, showered with glitter dust and all sorts of fluids I'd rather not think about. I'm pretty unimpressed by that sort of thing now.

"Hey, that tickles! Nya ha ha ha!"

Apparently today's menu item felt rather the same way.

"Can't you feel pain, boy?" Gangrel roared.

"Not really, I lost a lot of nerve endings."

I sneezed as a cloud of sparkles wafted by my nose.

"What was that?" the shorter man asked.

"Probably my cat," Gangrel lied.

"Aw, I love cats! I wanna see the cat!"

"You can't see the cat! You're supposed to bend over and take it!"

"Yeah, I'm not really feeling that. Sorry." To my amazement, he got off me and began to wander around the room 'psss-pss-pss'-ing for the nonexistent cat.

"How can you not feel it?" Gangrel bellowed. "All of Plegia knows that my equipment is the size of that giant phallic rock we do executions on!"

"Here kitty kitty! Come to Henry now!"

"Don't you ignore me, boy!"

Henry adjusted his clothes. "Well, just between you and me, I'd rather be the pitcher than the catcher if you know what I mean. And I love war, don't get me wrong, but this just isn't working out for me."

A giant shovel arose in the air and walloped Gangrel in the back of the head with a loud CLANG!

Henry grinned. "It's not me, it's you. I'm off to join the other side! See you later, grumpy furniture!"

"Wait," I cried, "Take me with you! I want to see the world! I want to be someone else's sofa! I want to... oh custard."

**Author's Note:**

> OMG HENRY WOULD NEVER BOTTOM!!! HDU PASTE HIS HEAD ONTO A WOMAN'S BODY!


End file.
